Sunday, August 21, 2016

Storm

You came to my life like a storm
Destroying everything around me
Blindly I embraced your cruelty
Not knowing how it hurt others

So exciting it was while I floated
With the wind you brought to my life
Didn't see all the people I let down
Their hopes and aspiration crushed

Just like you came you left one day
Dropped me down hard
After alienating me from others
Leaving me to tend my wounds myself

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Prequel to 'Profound Wreckage of Love'

If you have not read my older story I suggest you read it first (Link http://www.mylinesforyou.com/2010/09/profound-wreckage-of-love.html ). This story is told in the girl's voice of that previous story. This has the answer as to what made her take such a drastic step in her life.

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I am Ayana who is doing MBA and stay in paying guest facility. These few days life has not been fair to me. I am suffocated by my own bad thoughts. It feels as if I am being crushed by the same walls that were built to protect me. I guess some people come into my life just to teach me how to live without them. I just took a bunch of sleep inducing pills which doctor prescribed for my dad who has insomnia. Before I go into permanent sleep, I want to pour my heart out into the paper so that other people can read the story of a small part of my life and do not repeat mistakes I did.

I am blessed with supportive parents, loving brother and lots of good people who care for me a lot. I want to mention some people separately as each one of them deserve it. There is Yaksh, the love of my life whom I loved for more than 7 years. Prakash, the online friend whom I meet often, who makes me laugh with his silly talks. Rakshit, the guy who loves me, proposed me and I partially agreed.

Let me begin from the good part. It was the part when I met Yaksh. He was my distant cousin. I had seen him in some functions before, but he never talked to me. One fine day he walked up to me and talked to me. He said he had a crush on me. He was cute actually. I had observed him several and I also had a crush. We exchanged phone numbers which lead to texts and calls. We used to talk late nights. He used to make me feel happy and secure. I started meeting him after my classes. After several such meetings he proposed me and I said I needed some time to think about it. I accepted it after considering for a day or so. Later I came to know he had cut his tiny finger just because I had not accepted him as soon as he proposed to me. He has already thought I am his property. After we got into relationship his possessiveness increased a lot (Which I liked very much). Whenever I met him, he used to check my cellphone and ask about every call I got. He use enquire about every contact number I stored in my cellphone. It felt good being under his control. My parents and brother also liked him very much. He used to come my house to meet them and of course me. My dad firmly believed if there is one guy who can take care of his daughter well then it would be Yaksh. Trouble in my paradise arose when he took me to his house. He had only his mother as his father had expired due to over consumption of alcohol. Though his mother liked me as a person, but she did not approve me as her son's wife. She felt I was not good enough for him. I did not really think it would affect my relationship with Yaksh as I thought he will change his mother's mind someday. Yaksh took his mother's side. He broke up on his mother's saying. He used harsh words like bitch, f*** off etc on. I got hurt very bad. I went into depression. My friends and brother helped me cope with it.

4 years passed lamenting on the break up. I still loved him as much as I loved before. Yaksh had stopped talking to me. To pass my time I started going to random dating websites. In one such site I got Prakash. He was charming guy who always tried making me smile by saying silly stuffs though it made him look foolish. Chatting soon escalated to talks which in term made me meet him. I used to meet him in alternative days. He was really talkative and showed some romantic interest in me. He said he has feelings for me, but I refused, saying he was too old for me. Even our caste did not match (a big criteria in my house). We still were best friends. I really enjoyed my time with Prakash. He usually hugged me whenever we met and it felt good. One day Prakash took me to his office and proposed his love in front of everyone. I was quite taken aback. I rejected once again. After this incident, he did not meet for some days. I had got this weird wish to drink alcohol. Hence the next time Prakash called me, I told this to him. He offered his assistance to make it come true. So we decided a date and time. As I had classes in the day time I thought I can drink in the evening in Prakash's place. As he said it will take time I agreed to his proposal of staying at his place that night after the drink because my PG would be closed by 10. When the day came I informed this to my roommate and she suggested she could open the PG gate late night if I want to come back. Hence I called Prakash and informed I would not be staying at his place all night as I can go back. Out of nowhere he go angry and retorted that if I do not want to do drink I can tell directly. My temper also rose as I had just said I would not stay all night at his place. I started doubting his intentions. I cancelled the plan altogether. The next day he called and apologized for his behaviour. He said he wants to make up for his mistake. Hence I met him and we went out to a restaurant. It was fun that day. Few days later he gave a shocking news that he will be getting married in 6 months. I do not know why, but I was in tears hearing the news. I could not control my tears. I knew I did not love him still it effected me. After this news nothing was as usual and finally he stopped talking when he got engaged to a girl she did not like it.

While so many things were happening in my life regarding Prakash, Rakshith entered into my life. He was the classmate of a friend of mine who stayed in the same PG as mine. I met him once as my friend had dragged me along with her to meet him. He was a silent guy who kept for himself. After the meeting he got my profile online and we started talking. This was all while I was still meeting Prakash. I found him like a good person while he chatted. One day he said he likes chatting with me. I asked some cross questions and his answer was not satisfactory. Later he said he fell in love with me. I considered his proposal as he was of the same caste and his age was near to mine. I told him that I still had feelings for Yaksh and I might talk about him. I also told him I might cry talking about Yaksh. Rakshit said it was ok with him and he will help get over Yaksh. I also said I want him to propose me in real life not just in chat. He agreed and later he did that while I met him. We started going out for a while and I felt I still did not have that feeling like I had for Yaksh. Whatever he did, I compared to what Yaksh did automatically without my knowledge. It hurt Rakshith. Rakshith was quite the opposite of Yaksh. Rakshith was not possessive at all. He used to leave me free and let me do what I wanted unlike Yaksh. This felt weird. I felt the longing to get controlled by someone. When I said this to Rakshith he said he would not do it as it is against his principles. He said he likes giving me freedom. According to him being able to do what one wanted would make one happy. I had told him about Prakash. Rakshith said a strict no to hugging Prakash whenever we met. I fought with him and said he was just a friend. In the end he agreed to that. Rakshith had got freaked out when I said about my alcohol drinking idea to him. He said I should not do it at any cost as he does not trust Prakash. I questioned his trust on me and defeated him in the argument. When the plan got cancelled Rakshith was the happiest guy! Rakshith somehow influence my thinking and I had started to think less about Yaksh.

I was summoned to my native as there was a marriage function. Yaksh had also come coincidentally as he also a relative. It was a long time since I had seen him. As I was a close relative of the bride I had lots of work to do. At the end of the day I was fully tired. When I got a few moments of free time I went to take some rest in a room. I did not see Yaksh following me. He closed the door, pulled me beside him and kissed me on my lips. It was my first kiss. Yaksh had not kissed me on my lips though we were going out and Rakshith had not done it for some reason I do not know. The kiss was magical. I loved it. While I came to my senses, I realised Yaksh's hand were crawling up from my waist. I quickly pulled away from his grasp. Yaksh started babling he wanted me back in his life and he had made a big mistake of leaving me last time. My heart melted. I wanted to say yes, but I did not tell anything. I just walked out of the room. After I came back, I told the entire incident to Rakshith. He was badly hurt. He asked whether I would go back to Yaksh and I answered that I did not know what to do. I told Rakshith to find some other girl as I was not fit to be his girl. Rakshith refused even after my repeated attempts. He said he would wait for him his whole life if that was what needed to make me his completely. After seeing his intensity I said I will reject his request. After this incident relationship between Rakshith and I drifted a bit apart. My thoughts about Yaksh returned. I started to meet Yaksh again. I even went to his place couple of times. Yaksh took me shopping too. I remembered all the old stuffs. I was happy he was back in my life. I mentioned all this to Rakshith too, as not telling him would be cheating. Though he felt bad he had no choice as he wanted my happiness more than his.

Then came a day when I had to go back to my native for a week. Rakshith had got stuck with his office work, hence he had not contacted me for some days. I got angry because I felt he was not giving me enough time. I asked him later, why is he doing that and he said he was busy with office work. I later broke up with Rakshith. I do not know how Rakshith felt, but he did not even as why am I doing it. He just stopped talking to me. After some days I see that Rakshith has blocked me from all social networking platforms. I ignored him too. Then Yaksh gave the biggest shock of my life. I wanted to talk to Yaksh hence I casually called to his cellphone. I was surprised when his mother picked up my call. I said I wanted to talk to Yaksh. She said I cannot talk to him as he had got engaged to another girl. She also said I had to stop going back to him and never again contact him at any cost. I was so angry and humiliated. I said I was not going back to Yaksh, but he only came back of me. His mother did not listen to me and kept on repeating not to contact him. I disconnected the call. I sat and started weeping. How could Yaksh do this to me the second time? Was I so bad? Yes. Maybe I am not fit to be his wife and that is why his mother did not accept. I felt so bad about myself. I called my brother and told everything. In a few minutes he came with some doughnuts to console me. He left later when he felt I was alright. I went mad after Yaksh left. I started watching romantic movies, sit alone crying and remembering all the good memories I had with Yaksh.

After a few days I tried contacting Rakshith in several ways and one of them was successful. I asked him the reason for blocking me and he said I had blocked him in a website hence he blocked everywhere else. I defended myself saying that I had deactivated my account as I wanted to be alone. I told him what Yaksh had done. He also felt very sad for me. He said he always loved me and still wanted me back in his life. I said I could not do it as I am not a good girl for you. I said Rakshith he would find a better girl than me. Rakshith was still fixated on me. He said he did not want better a girl. He wanted me. He had become adamant. I felt even worse about myself. I ruined Rakshith's life too. He wants me, but I want Yaksh. I cannot forget Yaksh. Rakshith says he will wait for me. I force him to date another girl, but he does not. I feel sad for him too. I cannot go back to him. How can I? I left him once for Yaksh. Now that Yaksh left me for the second time, I cannot face Rakshith. I cannot play with his life. I do not want to cheat him like the way I did the first time. 

Now that I took sleeping pills, I am walking on the road. Let the pills do its affect make me free from these sad thoughts. I want this to end.

Here comes a bus. I am getting into it. I see an empty seat and I take it. I guess pills have started affecting me. I am feeling too sleepy. I rest my head on the grill of the seat and close my eyes.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Chat-mania

Each day When I see your text
I think hard what to say next
Each time I know you are typing
In my stomach I feel butterflies flying

For every question you ask
Answering feels like my main task
For every question I send
It feels it was better with a slight amend

Time just flies while I chat with you
Don't wanna go offline even for minutes few
I just wish my net connection knew this
Because many a time your chats are the ones I miss

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Lovelorn

Why am I just an option in your life
When I already consider you my future wife?
Why am I given the least priority
When I have given you full authority?

Why do your friends has more right?
When I do not take your words light
Why do you compare me with your ex?
When you know on me it affects

Why do you say let us break up?
When I would do anything to make it up
Why do we drift so far each day?
When I wanna carry you to a land faraway!

Friday, May 9, 2014

About love, anger and sadness

They say being in love is the most amazing feeling in the world. But what they do not say is with love comes its two best friends anger and sadness. To the outside these feelings might not seem to be interconnected with each other but in reality they are. The weird thing is that these three feelings are felt upon the same person.

Feeling of love is when your lover does even the small things you like. It feels like a warm beverage slowly drifting down into the esophagus on a very cold day. It feels like moment should never end. The whole world is forgot and your lover is everything for you at that moment. A simple touch from him/her sends electric sparks all over your body. How much ever I put this feelings into words it feels like its still missing some major part. Words are not sufficient to describe feelings of love.

Then there is anger. This is felt on the lover when he/she does not do what you say or does against your wishes or sometimes does not speak up for his/her actions. This best friend of love also manifests for tiny reasons usually, just like the feeling of love. This feelings chooses some way to come out and express itself. It might take channels like harsh words, corporal punishment, hurling of surrounding items etc. Sometimes this feelings might stay inside only to lash out some other day in the future when similar events unfold. When anger overtakes you, love quietly but temporarily leaves you. Your empathy, care and selflessness also take a break. When love returns back you feel guilty of your actions of anger.

Last but very powerful feeling is sadness. It happens when lover does something or if something happens that was beyond your as well as his/her control. Sometimes even anger gets converted into sadness if your display of anger did not affect your partner or partner ignored it. Sadness is slightly the opposite feeling of love. Instead of warm feelings there is this uncanny coldness surrounding your body. There is also a slight pain in the heart as if someone is piercing it with a pin. In some cases makes you question yourself why you fell in love, is the partner you chose the right one, is it worth to be in relationship etc.

My question is why love gets its best friends anger and sadness wherever it goes? Why the feeling of love is not eternal without flickers? Is it because there is always a good and bad side for everything just like Yin and Yang in nature? No wonder a Kannada movie says 'Be alone to be happy, be happy to be alone'!

PS: Not supporting any side here. This is just my opinion. Everything in life has its own pros and cons.